– I stand alone…
excerpted from Kaiulani Facciani’s book, Whatever Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Strong.
I stand alone, surrounded by shadowy figures. Like clay soldiers from an ancient Chinese army, they are silent symbols of fallen warriors. Every time I turn around, there are more. Diagnosed after me with prognoses better than mine, they have left me behind. I fight back tears and try not to give in to suffocating feelings of doom and despair. May they find as much joy and love in their next assignment as they brought to this one. Because every one of them deserves, perhaps more than I, to be breathing here beside me, and they are not… Because of the brave battles that they waged… Because I don’t truly understand why I’m still standing… I will battle on. For them… And for all of my sweet fellow warriors who know exactly what I am feeling. As I sit here listening to Robert Earl Keen, I am reminded that the road goes on forever, and the party never ends.
Published by Snarling Wolf, Inc., a non-profit organization dedicated to providing inspiration, information, and support to people facing challenges, including health challenges, including cancer.
I agree. It doesn’t make any sense. But neither does being diagnosed with metastatic cancer. I share your bewilderment. When first diagnosed … Why me? When friends I’ve made on this journey die … Why not me? Like learning to live with uncertainty, this journey requires us to learn to also live with incomprehensible outcomes.
Be good to yourself… Take a break from mets bc, that is ok too.
Best,
Gail
Hi Kai,
I was truly happy to fet your message today. Good going!! We can not understand why some of us
survive while others go on before us. I guess it is true that we should live the most we can until that
final day when we say goodbye to this part of our journey, and hello to our eternal journey.
Love you, and many hugs to you.
Bette
Feeling this very keenly at the moment, as my fellow MBC fighter Emma Wren lies in a hospice bed, fighting to the last. I am so sad, and wondering why not me? But until my time comes, I guess I need to soldier on. Just very safe right now 🙁
As always, I love what you say and the choice of your words. I know why you are here, Kai – we NEED you to keep the rest of us willing to go on struggling. I have loved you all of your life and will do so until I die. Continue to heal, grow and love!!! Hugs and all my love to you!!!
Carol
Yesterday I read your fb message about another metsister moving on and then went on to find “Cancer is a Gift”. You have a gift for writing beautifully and reaching down for the real feelings in the reader’s heart. I cried through most of it especially when I came upon the reply by Dorothy Barton-Aly. It was like one more visit with her. Thank you, Dot’s Mom <3 .
I met Dorothy through the Facebook page A Happy Place and we became penpals. I met her in Boston in October. She was very supportive of my writing. I am very fond of her and feel her as a great loss.
I am not very elegant with words. But you always say what I am feeling. Once again I am in tears. I have been fighting cancer since 2003. Mets since 2015. This is such a true story, I feel and can relate to these words so very much. Thank you for helping me relate to my own feelings.
Xoxo,
Dee